Just say there's nothing holdin' you back...

Dearies.

11.24am. Sick, so came home early from school. I reckon I should get some blood tests, check that all's well. But I hate blood tests, because of someone fiddling around under my skin. Picked back up an old habit. Bought my new look in Dundrum shopping centre yesterday. Red lipstick, kohl and Coco Chanel inspired items. It looks quite formal but I love it. Gotta love Penneys, eh? Premiering this new fashionable Lucy this weekend, provided I am not hung by ankles and skinned by parents tomorrow after Parent Teacher Meeting. I don't give a fuck anymore. I know, ignorant teenager much? But St. Wolstans is horrible. The teachers hate me, the pupils hate me. I feel like I'm sniggered at each time I turn my back. Doesn't help that cliques are established and I don't belong in them. I have Ash and Jem but they're quiet and tired in school, and I sense they find me annoying how I'm always 'happy' in school or something. I just love being around people. Most of my friends don't go St. Wolstans. Also, everyone is still kind of wary of me because of the whole 'liking girls' fiasco. Hellooo, all you little catholic girls do not make me wet. St. Wolstans is chock-full with little preppy, tracksuit-wearing barbies who all look the exact same. Hating on it.

I did so much shopping yesterday, it's unbelievable. I'mma google-image some of the things I bought and then use PhotoFiltre (awesome free program) to mash 'em into a pic for you. Fuck it, I could only find my cute panda beanie on the River Island website. It's so adorable though, well worth the €17.50.

Katy Perry wore it too, so not exactly totally original but omg I'm in love with it. I got two flannel shirts in Penneys, black and white and then one thats different shades of purple. I got a nerdy golf jumper from H&M kids, because I'm quite small. 2 new pairs of jeans from their too, one shredded stonewashed pair and another pale blue figure hugging pair. Grey nerd type top.. one of those vesty things. Polka dot skirt, pearls with a beige flower brooch, black and white patent pumps with a little gold chain. Plait bracelets. There's more but I can't think. Phwaah. I am actually so happy with my purchases. Happy days like.


Listening to Lovebug- Jonas Brothers because I'm fucking awesome weird. It's such an adorable song. I always wanna cry because no boy I know a) would ever feel that way & b) would especially ever feel that way for me. I keep reading romance novels and they set my expectations all high. I want love so much. Just to feel it. Why aren't there any handsome, dark, sensitive boys out there? Hello? I mean, it's not that much of a specification. I'll even settle for relatively okay, dark and sensitive, as long as they're not fat. Girls too, come to think of it. I fancy the arse off one boy and one girl and they both think of me as a friend so fuck it, eh? I feel so unattractive. Especially with beautiful friends like mine who always have boys after them. Epic fail. I put on clothes and make-up and aim for perfection and fall short. Putting net out on blog. Hereeee, sexy sexy sexy. Come love me, creatures. Please?? AHH. I'M CRAZY.

39 days 'til Christmas; Camera and festivity and depression. I don't want to be single for Christmas, I want escapades under the mistletoe. I'm not independent! I want someone warm to hug and hold and amigawd, fail, because people like me never ever find that, do we? No. People who've read this blog since before Summer know how crap my self-esteem is, especially back in the days of Candyshop Cocaine and Cynical And Whimsical. Then in Summer, I got male attention and female too, and I was like 'WOAH! I must not be too bad!' but then I got dumped 4 times, and now I'm totes unloved so fail. It totally destroyed happy confident Lucy. Complain, complain. RAWWH.

I'd better go.
Music Monday- Mushaboom by Feist.

LUCY
XX
COMMENT

Now is the winter of our discontent...

Sticky tea dried down my legs, home-done french manicure chipped, sticky face cream slathered on to skin. It feels like two sharp knives are right in at my spine, at the base. Just jammed between the vertebrae, and laughing as I contort in this agony. It's not even the physical agony, and I don't know why any of this is agonizing. I'm self obsessed, in a bizarre way. Like I love myself, but because I hate myself. 01.17 am. Remnants of tonight's kohl streaming down my puffy cheeks. I want fresh air, sunny days, a camera in my hand, sunflowers surrounding me. Something surreal, being wrapped in webs and downy duvets of fairytale lies. I guess I'm just never happy. I only think of my self as a failure. The days that I feel beautiful are the days when I haven't insulted someone. It just doesn't click; When I achieve something, I just aim higher until I reach these unthinkable desires. Evil things, bitchy things. Things against the girl code. Things against morals. I really wish I could decipher who I am. It's like a code. I don't know what it is.

Gaa. What can I say; I never enjoy it. For a while I do, but then I slide or something.
I can't stand this. Two posts make me crazy. I'm just going to put in a picture I took in Cavan over the summer. It's blurred to the left, it's black and white, but I like the picture. It's the type of photography that literally plasters deviantart, but fuck it, bite me.



(click to enlarge, as always)

LUCY
XX
Comment me.
Or facebook.
Or something.

High off hand sanitizer...

Gaga Ooh La La




Right.
I am a crazy psycho who is squashing two people in to one skin. Yikess.
Well, Jade is my new outlet. I'm trying hard to stop bitching. Unsuccessfully.
So Jade's there to let out all this hatred and shit.



I haven't properly blogged in quite a while so I'll aim for it today. Junior Cert. Arggghhh. They hype it up so much that it actually scares me now. I feel like I need to study. I got 68% in Maths. Which is great for me. I was like YAYY because I passed and got honour. Happy days. I'm so hungry lately too. For a while I thought, OMFG pregnant but then smart brain type think kicked in 'Lucy, you aren't getting any, and you won't be for a longggg time, kthxbai.' So I'm just a fat cow. Seriously, my thighs are like sacks filled with custard. I walk and they slap against each other and echo. Need to exercise. I might go back to working out in my room before bed. That's what always kept me fit. It sounds horrible, but I wish I went back to post-operation-underweight. Most definitely, you're all there cringing in your seats, feeling embarrassed for my lack of depth or tutting at me in horror and superiority. But I find thin beautiful. I used to lie and say some people were too thin, but there's no such thing. And guys fall for those over-thin girls.



Speaking of guys, I repel them utterly. It's a curse. Hitler had a wife, yet I don't have a boyfriend. Helllooooo.. earth to dating community? I'm right here. There must be some semi-neurotic hater out there suited for me, in a flannel shirt and skinny jeans with natural hair? Or just a fellow reader, in jeans and a t-shirt who listens to David Bowie religiously. Or maybe a happy, smiley ear-pierced skanger, because opposites attract? Grr. I give up. Y'all are like 'You're fourteen, you've got a life ahead of you to find love...' but I want it now. I want someone to cuddleee and be warm with and hear his heart beating through his shirt and melt melt orgasm noise. Pride and Prejudice has put my expectations and hopes at a brand new level. I want a Mr. Darcy... mysterious, repelling, charming in a bad-mannered way. Rich too. Or a Mr. Wickham... outrageously handsome with a way of twisting people. Mmmm. Jane Austen has both impeccable taste and an amazing imagination.



Cillian, I would like to apologize for any judgments I made on this blog of you, but there's so much gossip about everything and I was angry and omfg unnecessary drama everywhere. Everyone's fighting. End of 2k9, loike, on a bad note. Drama, drama everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Hang on.. That's not it. W Factor Junior Heats on soon. To all of you cultured foreigners, W Factor is our school talent show. Great name, huh? But I think I'mma go. Because if it's not good, it's going to be hilarious. And if it is good, then it's worth our money. The seniors are usually better, but I can go to the finals to see them. Starting to like Gaga's new hit. Will embed.

Lucy
xx
Comment again, laydeez.
And actuaalllyyy, Neko, I was (Y) for you. :B