Sitting here in the dim half-light hitting the furniture from the window, I know this post is going to be a cryptic code that I'll be the only one that'll understand it. Except maybe the person I really want to go online for a much-needed MSN councelling session. I don't know, it's just I feel like she's been in my position before and that I can trust her with this. The falling feeling. It's the only way to describe it. Like you're floating in the air with Aladdin but the magic flying carpet is pulled from under you and you're sent soaring backwards into oblivion, until you smash yourself into the darkness beneath you. Built up to be knocked down. Everyone gets the falling feeling once in a while. It's a major part of the 21st century, where media runs wild, where people are growing more vivid and less inward. I mean it in many ways. We place our trust in people far too easily, and we get betrayed. We fall in love even easier, and it ends in tears and tragedy. Even simple crushes can tear people apart in ways that no others can imagine. That falling feeling is pretty much a bi-monthly thing in the noughties.
I'm in the midst of falling myself. In the car, on my way home, I fought back tears, for fucks sake. I'm not even too sure why. I guess it's the charade that something and someone and yikes, I'm almost in tears just typing. Why is everyone so mean to eachother? I'm angryyyy at evveeeerrytthhhhhiingggggg. Slamming my head against the ironing board for no good reason, just to let it out, just to let the ironing board know that I'm not happy and probably won't be for quite a while. That one motherfucking faghaired gentleboy is just ruining everything for everyone. Why does he do it? Why does he have to meddle with everyone's lives in the space of a few months? He needs to grow up and get a life. I don't even know how I ever crushed on that bastard. He's just.... GRRRRRR. Infuriating. He goes near any one of my friends, and I swear to god, I will rip his testes off faster than he can say 'gtfo'. I don't even understand why? Why at all? Why is everything so goddamn complicated? It can be straight forward and drama-free. It's like I'm living in 'John Tucker Must Die'. Except I'm neither of the blonde pretty ones, nor am I the hot cheerleader or sexual vegan. I'm basically the fat chick with glasses. But I'm not fat, I just have dwindling confidence when I don't gorge on sugar. And no self esteem. I'm tired of faking self esteem. I sound bloody full of myself anyway just saying this but I don't mean it this way. I hate myself. The orange make-up. The overdone eyeliner. The clothes. The hair. The need to hide under my hoodie. It's revolting. Nobody likes me as I am now. Nobody likes me if I change. I can't even hold down boyfriends without getting dumped or getting bored, yet I hate being single. I long to be a muse type person; captivating, beautiful, intruiging. No. I'm just the young girl whose lost in her own perverted little mind that everyone finds too peculiar to function and wishes that people would give her a chance. Yikes.
Well.
That was Lucy's let it all out post.
Which I do a lot. But yeah. I let it all out.
Feel the need to talk to me?
lkbennett@live.com
Lucy
XOXO
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
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Hun, you're beautiful. Honestly, i would kill to look like you. It takes a certain something to be able to let this out [and to wear that much eyeliner well]
ReplyDeleteI know it doesn't seem like it from my happy msn chatter and relatively happy based on update blog, but i feel like this a lot of the time too. Last year especially. At the start of the year i was doing a lot of stuff I should regret, and don't. Only on the basis of hate. But what is hate worth at the end of the day? A meaningless emotion that just makes the world even worse. Makes you want to say SAVE THE TURTLES or whales or whatever.
But if you need to talk, even if i am a country away, all you need to do is nudge me. I'm here for youuuu!
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